The post follows two previous ones, about our sons diagnosis and the TFMR (termination for medical reasons) procedure. You don’t need to have read these prior to reading our still birth story, but you can find the links for them here. I had a TFMR – Flicks and Red Lips The TFMR procedure – Flicks and Red Lips
Please note, you may find the content of this post triggering, especially if you are pregnant or trying to conceive.
Preparing to say goobye
Unlike many families, we had a few weeks to prepare to say goodbye to our son. A goodbye that came without a proper ‘hello’. We spent those weeks juggling hoping for a miracle and preparing for our new addition.
Although he wouldn’t be coming home with us in the way we had hoped, he was still our son. We documented my growing bump with a maternity shoot, shopped for baby blankets and ordered a wooden name plaque. All the things we would of done with excitement in the third trimester. Only we did it through salty tears in the second.
With our hospital bag packed and birth plan printed, we headed to our local maternity hospital 2 days after our TFMR procedure. To meet and wish farewell to our son.
If you would find it helpful, you can read about my hospital bag and birth plan here-
Bereavement Suite
We are extremely lucky to have a local hospital with a bereavement birthing suite and a dedicated bereavement midwife. I hope this is something that becomes ‘the norm’ in all hospitals soon, because I’m sure they made all the difference to us.
Our birthing room was simply beautiful. A double bed with homely bedding, fairy lights and calming decor. There was a separate kitchen area with sofa and a large wet room too. The wardrobes were filled with donations of books, knitted premature baby clothes and blankets. The kindness of the baby loss community met us that day- and they haven’t left us since.
We had time to settle in here before our midwife talked me through the next few hours and explained what pain relief would be offered to me.
Being induced
I didn’t start the induction process until 9pm, when the first vaginal tablet was given. I was told these would be given every three hours, and that it was hard to predict how many I would need. Once you reach a certain number, you have 24 hours without anything before starting the process again. It could of been a long road ahead.
I managed to sleep between doses, but felt my body change quite quickly after the third. Having given birth previously, I could recognise the cramping feelings and how my body reacts. This stage was very similar to my first early labour.
Choosing pain relief
As I had in my first birth, I decided to try my TENS machine and a guided hypnobirthing meditation. This time I used the FREYA app (which wasn’t around when I had my older son) and I found this incredibly helpful. I’d listened to the affirmations previously to find any triggers, but for me, there wasn’t any.
I asked my midwife for a birthing ball, and tried to sit in an upright, forward and open position whilst focusing on my breathing. Again, I’d done this previously and it helped ease the twinges.
My contractions grew stronger much quicker than I anticipated and I asked for gas and air. However, it wasn’t long before I asked for something stronger.
When the outcome of birth is known, the pain relief options can vary slightly and my hospital offered a morphine drip. I’d point blank refused the idea of this earlier in the day. My the midwife did suggest having the canula fitted prior to induction to ensure it was there ready in case I changed my mind. I wish I’d taken her up on this, as it would of allowed this level of relief much quicker when I needed it.
In hindsight, I know my body was transitioning at this point. The tightening’s had ramped up and I felt the desire to push. At only 23 + 5 weeks I was told there was no need to exam me for dilation, so I have no idea how dilated I was at this point.
Delivery
Within around 20 minutes of the morphine drip being administered, my body was in the full flow of pushing. I switched from my hypnobirthing track to the playlist we’d created for his birth. Songs which we’d listened to throughout my pregnancy and connected us to him.
My waters broke, taking so much pressure away with them. Around ten minutes later our son was born, weighing in at 2lb 2oz. He was born shortly before sunrise on the 1st of the month. And that day, the sun shone for him.
Meeting our baby
We discussed at length with our midwives how we wanted to meet our baby. Like every birth, still birth is no different and those post delivery minutes will differ from family to family. We were advised to have our son taken to the nursery to be cared for before we met him, which I know now was due to his hydrops.
Although this wasn’t my initial desire, it did give me a chance to deliver the placenta and compose myself before our precious meeting.
The time we spent with our son, and the memories we created, will always remain so precious to me. And I’ll forever be thankful to the midwives who made that all happen. We have photographs, prints, certificates and lots of other keepsakes in a special memory box, provided by a baby loss charity via the hospital.
Our positive still birth story
Prior to giving birth, I was scared I would have nightmares from the trauma of losing him. But in fact, he’s in all of my deepest dreams. That rush of love I’d hoped I’d feel at 9 months, still came- just a little earlier and harder than planned.
Although our pregnancy didn’t have a fairy tale ending, I hope you can see some light in our still birth story. I searched for ‘positive’ still birth stories when I knew ours was approaching and they were hard to find. So I knew one day I would share mine here.
They say grief is just love with no place to go, and I truly believe this. The grief that followed wasn’t something I was prepared for, and it’s been essential for my mental health to seek support.
If you have read this post because you too are facing this path, please do reach out to the many baby loss charities out there. They all are linked below. Don’t face this alone.
Sending you all my love,
Sian x
Sands | Saving babies’ lives. Supporting bereaved families.
Saying Goodbye – support for miscarriage and baby and infant loss
Leave a Reply