Second TFMR stillbirth- What I did differently

I can’t really believe I’m writing this, but in June 2025 we had to make the agonising ‘decision’ to end our much wanted, much loved fifth pregnancy. Our daughter arrived at 18 weeks and 5 days in the same bereavement suite her brother was silently born in, less than two years before. (You can read more about him here) With a cruel twist of fate, they both received the same diagnosis. Who said ‘lightning doesn’t strike twice’ huh? Thanks to our previous losses, we knew there was certain things we wanted to change this time around, so keep reading to hear more about my second TFMR stillbirth- what I did differently.

What I did differently in the first trimester

If we go back to the very start, the moment we received our fifth positive test, we were more cautious than previous pregnancies. With our third and fourth, we were pretty hopeful they’d be our Rainbows (whilst also being pretty terrified) but the feeling this time around was more numb.

Things I did differently in those first 12 weeks were-

• Didn’t work out my due date
• I asked to be referred to the mental health midwifery team
• Searched for a private scan facility with staff experienced in fetal medicine
• Didn’t use a pregnancy after loss journal or app – I just wanted to get to the next day, week, milestone
• Used mindfulness tracks to help with PAL anxiety (I really recommend Ellies Rainbow)
• Accessed the NHS NIPT test

You may not be aware but if you have been pregnant with a baby with a chromosomal diagnosis, whatever the outcome, you should be entitled to a NIPT test via your local NHS maternity trust. The NIPT test is a simple blood test which can be taken from around 10 weeks gestation. It picks up fragments of babies DNA from the placenta in our blood stream.

It was the results of this test that changed the course of this pregnancy.

Advocating for our needs

Once we received the devastating news that our baby most probably had the same chromosomal diagnosis as her brother, the anxiety and numbness lifted. The unknown outcome of the first trimester was terrifying, but now we were in familiar waters. I’d spent the past two years immersed in the baby loss community and become firm friends with so many fellow loss mums. I now felt empowered to speak up and advocate for my needs- something I felt less able to do last time.

From the NIPT result the next step was to see a Fetal medicine clinic at our nearest specialist maternity hospital, this appointment was scheduled for after our booked 12 week scan and meant this scan was no longer needed. Personally, I wanted that moment with our baby. I wanted to experience a tiny piece of a normal pregnancy and walk out that day holding a scan picture- however bleak the future seemed. After some pushing, this wish was granted.

Speaking up continued at fetal medicine. I didn’t want to be scanned in the same room that my son died in. I wanted to be as informed as possible in the abnormalities they could see in our scans and I wanted to discuss balanced translocations. I’d read so much research in the lead up, I didn’t want the a rose tinted bedside manner. I wanted the truth.

The truth came after a detailed scan and CVS. And the truth was heart-breaking. Our first daughter was unlikely to make it home, and less likely to lead a life we’d want for her.

Finding the joy

Although this time was sad, we were determined the celebrate her short life whilst we could. To some this may seem strange but to us, it felt right. We will grieve our daughters loss, because we love our daughter, regardless of how we spend these last weeks with her. Some things we did were-

• Took a special picture with our 12 week scan and posted an alternative announcement
• Followed our sons lead and organised a gender reveal balloon for him
• Named our daughter and purchased a name plaque for her, just as we did for her brother
• Asked a close family member to knit her two small blankets
• Purchased a special teddy for her
• Took our son to a 3D scan and brought home a heartbeat bear (huge thanks to Miracle View, Cheshire)
• Created a playlist for her arrival

Second TFMR stillbirth- what I did differently in labour

As her arrival approached I focused on hypnobirthing techniques, just like I had with my previous still and live births. The Ellie’s Gift App is a great resource which can help you prepare in a mindful way for a still birth- you can read more about this here. This time however I was more open to pain relief and make staff aware of this early on. That said, I didn’t require any pain relief at all. But I did-

• Listen to hypnobirthing tracks throught
• Use a TENS machine
• Listen to my body intently and follow my intuition
• Requested to have minimal intervention / examinations
• Asked for my baby to be placed straight into my arms on delivery

The biggest shift for me was having an alternative method of induction- an oral tablet. This was much less traumatic than the pessaries I’d had previously and I’m certain enabled me to have a calm, beautiful birth.

Second TFMR stillbirth- what I did differently afterwards

Once our daughter arrived a feeling of utter love and peace enveloped me. She arrived before sunset meaning we had some time together before having a full nights sleep, with her peacefully next to me at all times.

The following day will remain one of my favourites. Filled with cuddles, memory making and joy. The same joy I would of felt if she was coming home with me. Thanks to her brothers severe hydrops, we didn’t get to spend much time with him, which is something I deeply regret. Even though it wasn’t in our control. This time we wanted to spend as much time with her as we possibly could.

Things we did to make memories with our daughter-

• Stayed in the bereavement suite with her for two nights / days
• Dressed her in beautiful clothing from Little Cloud Charity
• Accepted all memory making- casts, prints, photographs etc
• Took lots of videos and photographs, including selfies like you would with a living baby
• Listened to music, read books and cuddled lots!
• Invited my son and a close friend to the hospital to meet our baby

The only thing I wish I’d thought about was more clothing for me. Having a change of clothes or a nice outfit would give me more photographs with my daughter. It seems such a small thing but to me would make a big difference. You read what I packed in my hospital bag here-What I packed in my hospital bag for my still birth – Flicks and Red Lips

Leaving the hospital

I am aware that this will be controversial and I don’t think you’ll fully understand unless you’ve had to leave your baby in this way before. But, we left the hospital WITH our daughter.

After a mix up between the ward, bereavement office and the funeral director, we were left with the prospect of leaving our daughter in hospital from Friday afternoon to Monday morning. A situation we experienced with our son which made us both deeply uncomfortable.

Our midwife made a simple comment, that “with one bit of paperwork we could leave with her”. So we did.

I helped my daughter sleep peacefully in her forever bed. Dressed her, wrapped her in her blanket and carried her in my arms to our car. Down the corridor behind families holding balloons and car seats. It was surreal but it felt right.

We took our daughter home, we walked around our house and spoke to her, before taking her to the funeral directors we’d trusted with our baby boy two years prior.

Of all the things, this is the one that mattered most. For my second TFMR stillbirth- what I did differently? Really, it all comes down to this. This brought me peace.

Second TFMR stillbirth- what I did differently

I hope nobody reads this post- but I know you will. I’m acutely aware how many of us walk this path once or even twice. But I hope this post gives you the voice to speak up for what’s right for you.

Follow your own lead, listen to your inner voice and mother how you feel able. There is no wrong, only what feels right.

All my love,

Sian x