When you are pregnant, you imagine a lifetime of memories you’ll make with your baby. You might be planning baby showers, naming ceremonies and even birthday party’s. But when you’ve been through baby loss, whether that’s a still birth, miscarriage or termination for medical reasons, you often find yourself planning a funeral instead. Something that none of us ever prepare ourselves for. At 23 weeks pregnant, when I said goodbye to our son, I couldn’t comprehend that he’d have a funeral. There were no online guides, no social media posts to save. Most of us have thankfully never been to a babies funeral, why would we know what to do?
In this post I aim to guide you through my experiences in the hope of making planning a funeral for your stillborn baby a little more gentle.
If you have stumbled across this post accidentally and are currently expecting, please close this post now.
However, if you have arrived here after experiencing miscarriage, still birth, neo-natal loss or termination for medical reasons, please accept my sincerest condolences, I really hope this post offers you some support when you need it most.
Do I need to organise a funeral for my baby?
In some cases, no you don’t.
If your baby passed away before 24 weeks of pregnancy you can still have a funeral but it is not required by law. If your baby was stillborn after 24 completed weeks of pregnancy, or was born alive at any stage of pregnancy and then passed away, he or she must, by law, be formally buried or cremated.
Either way, it’s not always expected for you to organise their funeral. Most hospital’s have links to funeral homes and can arrange for your baby to be taken care of by their specially trained staff. They will arrange for either a private service or for your baby to join other little ones for a joint funeral. You have the option whether to attend or not. This is a hugely personal choice and one which many families opt for. It removes the decision making and pressure to organise such a event whilst you grieve and recover physically from delivery.
In this situation you can often still contribute music, poems or readings, whether you will be in attendance or not.
You can also choose to appoint your own funeral directors to collect and care for your baby and support you in planning a funeral for your stillborn baby. This is the option we chose for both our son and daughter, who were stillborn following termination for medical reasons.
Will I receive ashes after cremation?
It is important to discuss cremation with your funeral director or bereavement midwife, who can guide you through what to expect in terms of ashes. For earlier gestations you may not receive ashes, and for babies who have a group funeral they may be scattered together in a special baby memorial garden. It is common to request a single cremation to ensure you receive your babies ashes or you can request a burial.
You can find further information on cremation in this post from Sands- Cremation and ashes – things to consider
How do I start to plan a funeral?
If your baby was stillborn after 24 weeks gestation or was born at any gestation and then passed away, you will be required by law to register your baby’s birth and death or stillbirth prior to organising a funeral. Your bereavement midwife should be able to assist you in arranging this.
Your funeral directors will collect your baby and continue to care for them until their funeral date. If you are using the hospital directors, your bereavement care team can contact them or If you are appointing your own, you may wish to call them yourselves or ask staff or a family member to do so.
You may wish to know that in most cases you can legally leave the hospital with your baby and take them yourself to the funeral home. This is what we chose to do with our daughter as I found it too traumatic to leave her in hospital without me.
In our experience, the next step was to meet with the funeral directors, which happened within a few days. During this meeting they listened to our wishes, discussed casket / coffin and travel options and we selected an available date and time. They also passed our details onto a celebrant who contacted us directly to plan the service itself.
Making personal choices
Before you chat to your celebrant or the person who is leading your service (this could be a religious figure or even a friend / family member) it’s a good idea to think about what is important to you. You possibly won’t know this ahead of time and it’s important to lean into what feels right for you at the time.
With our son I knew I wanted a very sombre affair. Our family wore dark colours and I couldn’t imagine bringing any joy to the occasion at all. Whilst two years later I wanted to lean into the joy my daughters pregnancy brought us, and her funeral reflected this.
Funeral Planning Task List
Break your tasks down to make things easier to manage, discard what isn’t important to you and focus on what is-
- Music – You will need music for entering, during service / saying goodbye and leaving
- Readings– Are there any poems or readings you would like or story books read?
- Order of service– We created ours on Canva and the funeral directors printed them. This task brought me comfort and helped to focus my mind on a keepsake for my babies
- Flowers– What would you like? Is there a florist you’d like to use? Would you like to create a keepsake with flowers afterwards?
- Guests– Would you like it to just be immediate family or a wider circle?
- Any other celebration– Would you like to mark the day with something afterwards? A meal, a walk, blow bubbles? Did you want to give guests a keepsake, such as forget me not seeds?
- Dress code– Do you have a dress code for your guests? Traditional black or a splash of colour?
Your celebrant will also want to hear all about your baby. This can be a beautiful chance to share about your pregnancy and your baby, and ensure the services captures the love you have for them.
Last minute preparations
In the days prior to your baby’s funeral, your celebrant will share their service with you for final checks. This can be hugely emotional to read, and often it is easier to process when reading in private.
You may wish to take some memories or keepsakes with you to the funeral, for comfort or to share with loved ones.
For our daughters funeral we had her picture and handprint on display and we held her bunny comforter throughout. For my son, I held his blanket in my arms which provided me with great comfort.
Your funeral director will request links to the songs you wish to play and will require a PDF copy of your order of service for printing.
In the majority of cases you will be able to visit your baby at the funeral home if you so wish. Personally I visited my son and daughter a few days prior to their service, to say a final goodbye. This gave me a chance to see their caskets and read their plaques alone and in private, and helped me emotionally prepare for the day.
Making precious memories
Something many don’t consider is asking a friend to document the funeral on your behalf. I asked a friend at each of my baby’s funerals to take some discreet pictures and I explained to other guests that I had done so.
We have such little time and memories with our baby’s and heavy emotional days, like funerals , an often be hard to remember as time passes. Having something to look back on can really help process what we have been through. Personally, I really treasure the pictures we have from these days.
What costs are involved in planning a funeral for your stillborn baby?
In England, for babies and children under the age of 18, funeral costs are generally covered by The Children’s Funeral Fund. This funding covers-
- Burial fees
- Cremation fees, including the cost of a doctor’s certificate
- Coffin, shroud or casket (up to a cost of £300)
Funeral directors costs will vary, but ours didn’t charge anything, even for the transport they supplied. Our celebrant also offered her time for free. This isn’t usual practice but can be common practice.
The only costs we incurred were for flowers, seed packs and bubbles which we provided. Our order of service was printed for free by the funeral directors.
You can read more about funeral costs and support here- Support for child funeral costs (Children’s Funeral Fund for England): What it does – GOV.UK
Planning a funeral for your stillborn baby – final thoughts
I hope you’ve found this post helpful. I know how difficult it is to think about arranging a funeral when you should be celebrating your little one and easing into newborn life and I hope this has made the process a little easier.
Please be gentle with yourself, I truly am sorry you find yourself in this position.
If you wish to read more about my story, you can do so here- Baby Loss Archives – Flicks and Red Lips
Sian x
You can find more support in the links below.
Planning a funeral for your baby after a stillbirth or neonatal death | Tommy’s
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