Nine months ago today I left the hospital with a memory box instead of my son. And I can’t believe I’ve walked out with memory making things once again. Two babies to grieve in 9 months. When I held that positive pregnancy test in my shaken hands, I didn’t expect this to be our year. But on the other hand, maybe I did. I’m now 1 in 100.
Why didn’t I expect to be that 1 person in 100 who experience recurrent pregnancy loss?
You can read about previous pregnancy loss and TFMR here- https://flicksandredlips.com/2024/01/21/i-had-a-tfmr/
Pregnancy after loss
Pregnancy after loss. The equivalent to running a race. The mixed feelings of excitement and pure fear. Tears of joy and tears of sadness. Sadness because you wish you were pregnant with the child you lost again yet excited to meet the one you’re now carrying.
Holding that positive pregnancy test, you’re positioned at the starting line, facing the hurdles ahead of you. Knowing the statistic of 1 in 4 don’t make the end of the race.
As I sat for our first ‘hurdle’, an early scan appointment, the anxiety is overwhelming me. It’s far worse than I ever imagined.
Whether that’s being surrounded my obviously pregnant women or hearing the racing heartbeat of a baby being monitored in utero in the room next door.
It never occurred to me how much a babies heartbeat sounds so much like galloping horses. It makes a horse racing analogy much more feasible.
Whilst my heart is RACING. My mind is keeping up. Thoughts rushing through of what the next hour might hold.
Good news, bad news, nothing is in my control. There is nothing I can do to change what happens. Be it today, tomorrow or sometime in the next 7 months.
What will be will be.
Or won’t be. We fall at the next hurdle, just as the end of the first trimester is in sight.
Surgical miscarriage management
Now I’m back sat in a waiting room. A room of women all sat in a line, sweating in our pink pleather tub chairs whilst the sun shines brightly Waiting for surgery. Surgical miscarriage management. Waiting to have our precious baby taken from me and onto their journey for testing.
Testing for results that may change the path of our future selves. A crossroads. Will we try again or will we not.
I’ve given myself two days of rest and recovery. Two days to reset and prepare for the onward fight.
Trimester Zero
Back to trimester Zero. Eating healthily, taking prenatal vitamins and investing in my physical & mental health. Whilst alongside fighting for the testing we SHOULD now be entitled to.
Bloods after bloods after bloods. Googling results. Trying different approaches. Removing toxins, adding in friendly bacteria. I can see already the changes will be endless.
Moving forward
Like most things in life, we move forward rather than on. But this is a curveball I didn’t expect to be thrown, ten years ago thinking about our future family. That picture perfect family I imagined with 2-3 children- a baby on my hip, a toddler around my ankles and my arm wrapped around my sunshine boy.
We’ll find our way to our happily ever after- even if that’s the life we’re lucky enough to have right now.
But it’ll still sting that I’m now 1 in 100.
Leave a Reply